As I lay tossing and turning, seemingly alone with my anxious thoughts, I realized that my sisters in Christ are right, I am not strong enough to deal with this on my own, I am weak, and I need strength from above if I am going to make it… God is the only one who can give me strength, but I need to give up control over my situation, it is something I have struggled with, control… But just when I felt most helpless, I let go… I prayed for my heavenly father, my Abba, to hold me up… I let Him take the control that I have been so desperatly clinging onto… As I lay there, feeling momenterally lost, my head filled with a sweet voice I have known for a very long time… Psalm 139 is a song by Rebecca St. James that I have listened to on repeat in the darkness of my bedroom closet many times as a teen… I got out of bed, grabbed my Bible and my iPod and came out to the front room to read the original lyrics written by a desperate King so many thousands of years ago… I searched my iPod for the song, and remebered that it is a hidden track on the end of a song called “Go and Sin No More”… How right could that be? How did I manage to forget the power of my God? He gives us exactly what we need the minute we have the sense to ask for it… I can’t deny that kind of power… No matter how hard I may try… He gave me words of encouragement, led me to open my Bible and read the Word (which hasn’t moved since the Woman’s retreat in March), and challenged me at the same time with another song… Doesn’t take much more than that to convince me… Now I just need to leave the control in His very capable hands rather than try to take it back like I have time and time again…
Psalm 139 by Rebecca St. James
You’ve searched me, you know me
You see my every move,
There’s nothing I could ever do
to hide myself from you
You know my thoughts, my fears and hurts,
my weaknesses and my pride,
You know what I am going through
and how I feel inside
But even though you know,
You will always love me
even though you know,
you’ll never let me go
I don’t deserve your love
but you give it freely
you will always love me
even though you know
Yes, you will always love me
even though you know.
O Lord, you have searched me
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out
and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O Lord.
You hem in me-behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths,
you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully
and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the
depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your
thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
If only you would slay the wicked,
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
Do I not hate those who hate you,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.